The flesh

These hands that belong to me

The hands that sin

The ones that cheat, steal and offend

I send them out to do good

These hands seem to fail me

Somewhere between my intentions to my actions

The decision to do good gets lost

My fingers dance with my fate

My thumbs twiddle to pass blame

While trying to avoid the consequence

The works of the flesh

You’re really free

I used to think I was a slave to my emotions; tied to the torment of my mind. I would walk around feeling chained to the overwhelming negativity that encompassed my life, despite the many great blessings God had already given me before coming to know him. Even though I was still lost in the world, empty and clueless roaming around like a body without a soul He still looked to me with love and blessed me with many things. But I was stuck in my own miserable mindset to see all that He had done for me. Every day I would wake up thinking, loathing myself for the way I was. I had settled on the fact that I was the way I was and there was no changing that. I convinced myself that this was it for me, my true self had surfaced and all that was left for me was to grin and bear it. I was forced to learn to live with myself being the way that I was; I felt imprisoned. The problem with this is that I saw no solution, there was no way out for me. Even after committing myself to God, I still felt enslaved to the thing that is my mind. I battled so much with this, wondering to myself would I ever get better? I believe in the power of prayer, the miracles of the Holy Spirit and the healing performed through Christ, but still I wondered. Is there really a healing of the mind? I fought the idea, in my mind it felt like a battlefield. My desire internally to follow God pushing through the stubborn ways of my mind. The more I struggled with letting of my old ways in my head, the more God began to reveal to me. I had the hunger for change, but a small part of me wasn’t willing to give up on the parts of myself I had rooted in my old life almost as if I had been fearful of letting go. It was keeping me from fully committing to truly and genuinely give it all to God. I was praying and fasting and talking to other people, mentors and going to church retreats searching for help, but I had not yet realized there was no one or no thing on Earth that would be able to change this circumstance. It got to the point where I was breaking down after almost every church session, crying myself to sleep, feeling entirely hopeless. I kept with the idea that my mind was never going to change, my mind was toxic and it just was always going to be that way until one day I was driving in my car back from West Palm Beach. The Holy Spirit had given me an image of myself, happy and it filled me with this feeling of peace and feeling of love. At that moment I knew, saying to myself give it all to the hands of God. So I took my painful, heart broken, lonely, tormented, depressing thoughts and put them in God’s hands. Trusting that whatever his perfect will for me is, will be if I allow him to lead me in life. Whatever is meant to be, will be if I leave it to him. 

Dear future husband

I have been thinking about you; where ever you are, who ever you are. Whether I’ve met you yet, or where our paths will cross if we haven’t. You have no idea what I’ve gone through to find you. All of the failed relationships, countless dates I’ve gone on and nights spent crying over the wrong guys. All I can say is that you were well waited for and I haven’t always been caring of you in the sense that I lost sight of our future for a while, but I make the promise to you right now that I will think of you in the way I behave now. I will treat myself with respect and value myself knowing that anyone I meet along the way to you couldn’t possibly be you if they don’t see my worth in the same way I do. I won’t settle for anything less than that. I will stop using my body as a bargaining chip in persuasion for your love. I know now that love is not based on a physical expression of love, but the foundation that is built between two people. Love is a decision to love someone, not the act of intimacy, for that only forges a false foundation between two people. I know that my body is specially made for you, and yours for me. It is not something to share with just anyone, so for that I will keep it sacred for you. As I sit here writing this, I imagine the dates I will go on from this point and the men who will pursue me until I find you.  I know my decision will make it hard to date for the world we live and love in demands sex in most monogamous relationships. I am sure there will be times when I will feel humiliated, rejected and outcasted by men who don’t understand my decision and at the time I may feel like giving in to the pressures of relationship or convince myself that it’s okay because we are serious about each other and it’s not like I’m sleeping around, but no. I will not give in and I will stay strong because I know you are out there, and I have to think about you and our future. I’m not sure who you are or where you are, but to my future lover, husband, soulmate, man, please know that I am working on myself every day. I am becoming the woman you need me to be, who knows how to love you, who is whole internally, and the woman of God that He created me to be. Whoever you are, know that it hasn’t been easy to get here or to be this person, but when I find you I will be ready for you.

Sincerely,

Your future wife

My mind is a series of questions

Define yourself

Define what vanity is to your life

What is your vanity worth 

At what price are you willing to pay to validate yourself?

Why do we need validation?

Is it not enough to believe that you are enough the way you are?

The way you were created?

Our image and our physical body

What does it even do for you?

Why do we why feed the monster inside it?

Or the monster that is our ego

Why do we allow that something to be bigger than it is?